How Do I know

How do i know. How do i know what you dont tell me. How do i know what to do. How do i fix what i dont know is wrong. You ask why i dont tell you things or why do i lie to you. I dont lie, i tell you what you want to hear. I dont want to fight, you told me you wanted something else, that someone else made you happier. I want you to be happy so i tell you i dont care because i would do and say anything to stay apart of your life. I love seeing you the first thing in the morning and the moment i walk through the door after work and the last thing before i go to bed. I dont want to be not there. You ask me why i and yelling, because sometimes i feel like you just dont hear me. Sometimes i feel like i dont matter, at least how i feel doesn't. You ask why i dont tell you how i feel, everytime i start to you make me feel guilty because you get upset or tell me i'm making you feel bad. I'm just trying to be honest, but that seems to get me nowhere, and you get upset when you find out that i have not been completly honest about how i feel. I try to tell you the best way i know how through the things i write but you dont see that for what it is, do you realize what my tattoo means to me. I dont even care anymore if you understand what you mean to me i am tired of trying so hard to tell you and feeling like you just dont care.

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There was a time when i thought that there was no way out. That if i drank enough it would all go away. Every time i picked up a bottle it was to relieve my pain. It would go away for a little while but it was never gone. It haunts me every day. It taunts me and it usually wins. I never did quit drinking i just watch myself very carefully. I know my limits, that does not mean i can control myself it just makes me more aware of what i am doing so i dont get out me control.

Addiction

I stop and think what if it happens again. What will i tell my kids, what will i tell her. I could not take the disappointment in their faces. How would i tell them daddy screwed up and may not be around any more. When they ask why daddy why what would i tell them. Do i tell them this is your fault that the way you treat me is the reason i do these things. Do i continue to protect you so they do not grow to hate you the way i do. People look at me and say what could have been so horrible, his parents raised him right. I never saw anything wrong. From the outside looking in you would not see what i felt, some say it's all in your head you make these things all up in your head. I hate all the things that i did and all the things that people saw to me. You tried to protect me at every turn but you never protected me from him. You let him mentally abuse me and every time he hit me he used the scriptures as an excuse and you let him. You always talked about how much you regret what happen to my brother and you never wanted to loose me the way, but you basically murdered me. I an dead to you. You dont even call my children you want no part of them because not cant stand to see what kind of job i have done with my kids. A job that you could not do with me. I look at my kids and i see what i swore i would never be. I swore that i would never be like you and him. I know that my kids will never look at me the way i look at the two of you. I dont forgive you and i may never. What i do know is that i can not ever be you. I love my children and there is nothing they could do to make me turn my back on them. You always you used say you'll understand when you have your own children. You were part right there are some things i do understand but i still do not understand why and how you could turn your back on me the way you did. I hate you and the things that i have done because me you. You may never see me again but i will asure you that i will never see you again.

I want it all

I want it all. I want her for all the time. I want to know what she is thinking. I want to know how she is feeling. I want to feel her touch. I want to kiss her lips. I want her love. I want her to lay with me. I want to put my arms around her and fall asleep with her. She makes me feel alive. She makes me want to go out and do something wild, crazy and outragous. I want her name embeded on my heart. I want her wish to be my command. I want it all. I want her all to be mine.

Do you ever wonder

Do you ever wonder what could have been. Do you ever stop and think maybe i should have done that differently. Do you wonder what it would have been like if they actually cared. Do you stop and think maybe i should cal them, maybe i'll be the bigger person and do the right thing. Do you act on that feeling or do you hold your grudge and wait for them. Do you ever wonder what you will do when that day comes when they are on longer here. How do you really feel, after all these years they can still get to you. Do you wonder what if you just called laided it all out and them just hung up. Would they care? Would they call you back, would they finally get it?

If you can't understand then you don't deserve LOVE

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No I can't..There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place for you here."

Love decided to ask Vanity, who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder.

Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name.

When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way.

Love, realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me? Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."