Addiction

I stop and think what if it happens again. What will i tell my kids, what will i tell her. I could not take the disappointment in their faces. How would i tell them daddy screwed up and may not be around any more. When they ask why daddy why what would i tell them. Do i tell them this is your fault that the way you treat me is the reason i do these things. Do i continue to protect you so they do not grow to hate you the way i do. People look at me and say what could have been so horrible, his parents raised him right. I never saw anything wrong. From the outside looking in you would not see what i felt, some say it's all in your head you make these things all up in your head. I hate all the things that i did and all the things that people saw to me. You tried to protect me at every turn but you never protected me from him. You let him mentally abuse me and every time he hit me he used the scriptures as an excuse and you let him. You always talked about how much you regret what happen to my brother and you never wanted to loose me the way, but you basically murdered me. I an dead to you. You dont even call my children you want no part of them because not cant stand to see what kind of job i have done with my kids. A job that you could not do with me. I look at my kids and i see what i swore i would never be. I swore that i would never be like you and him. I know that my kids will never look at me the way i look at the two of you. I dont forgive you and i may never. What i do know is that i can not ever be you. I love my children and there is nothing they could do to make me turn my back on them. You always you used say you'll understand when you have your own children. You were part right there are some things i do understand but i still do not understand why and how you could turn your back on me the way you did. I hate you and the things that i have done because me you. You may never see me again but i will asure you that i will never see you again.